Hola!

Life in 2012 is finally pickin’ up the pace

Mardi Gras virgin no more

..I’m still not sure if I’m to end it with a ! or a .

I got up late, which was okkkk, except that I got lost and although it resulted in a very nice greek uncle showing me where exactly I ought to have gone, the sun went out and HUUUUGE-ass clouds came to join the party…

Ok so anyway, lookin’ back at my first experience of the entire event (luckily, it’s a month-long affair), I feel a lil anti-climatical.
Very over-whelmed really, I wanted to plaster on a grin the whole time because that was exactly how I felt, but I was also a lil wary, cuz I didn’t want to seem like I was at the circus lookin’ at attractions. I mean I was so confused about how I was supposed to be, and I just didn’t know what to do with myself!!!!!!

Luckily I took pics, sorely lacking in presence of mind I am though… anyway, I still am reeling a little from the way I was today..such a disappointment! But it honestly feels so out of my league literally, lookin’ at this mass mess, and so many of them so strangely wonderful; sights that I had never seen lookin so tender; A gay couple was walking a dog, and they had a baby in a pram that was sheltered from the rain by a plastic sheet, omg it was such perfection and I was seeing it right in front of me… but I felt like I shouldn’t squeal in glee like it was a roadside attraction you know; It should be as normal as stars and moon at night… And yet, I was marvelling at ladies who had full sleeves, ripped out shirts literally hanging on for dear lives, the kind featured in punk-goth videos I s’pose, sneering and snarling in the foreground to the screaming music…who had such lovely gentleness walking hand in hand  with their partners, some who were just the same or the complete opposite… And the dogs.. OH MY GOD, the dogs!!!!! There were so many of them!!!!… hahahaha… I even saw a relation of Furry…

I just wanted to sit somewhere and stare and soak and smile away the entire atmosphere. But a severe debilitating self-consciousness, rain and lack of protective covering from mobile/camera sent me packing after a wee bit of time.
Is it sad to be this happy or good to be this happy about it?… Very confusing. But it is a celebration of years and years of hiding and suppression, so in a way, any good attention, regardless of the way it is expressed is warranted I suppose? I don’t know!!! I wish all of this could be normal.

Normal to be gay. Normal to be straight. Normal to be asexual. Just normal. But yet have fairs every now and then just because it is summer and being at home just plain sucks.

Can’t read your msg.

Ok so this has been a weird week, as far as my thoughts are concerned. I know all the conversations I have been having, albeit one-sided, with my uncle all have the same theme of thinking and making ones choices from looking at the bigger picture.

But I don’t know why I feel it’s not supposed to be as vague as that and that it has some sort of a inner meaning. I just fuckin’ wish I knew what it was.

Life, you need to be clearer with me, for real. Though I must admit, I technically have nothing to be annoyed or upset about, but I can’t help it. I feel so sidelined and there’s nothing to be done for that, except to grow up!!!

Ok, I love my life right now..I really fuckin’ do. It’s so hard to not think about what is not there though. It’s so hard and I am trying to just laugh it off, but it is so frustrating to not be in love. Thinkin’ back on that statement I just typed in, I wonder if that’s a result of all the media input that’s come my way.. I mean even now, I’m seeing that god-awful-awesome-song from Karthik callin’ Karthik, and listen no one sees someone else dancin’ in slow motiong in real life…NO ONE… But yet, we feel that happens when we see someone completely stunning or who takes our breath away. I mean does that make any sense at all??

I need to get over my hangup with beauty. It’s crippling. I mean, it’s not a joke really, to be so fuckin’ affected by someone’s appearance.. I mean luckily I’m not literally shallow..or else I’m done for. But even then, I find myself reacting, internally obviously, to things and people on a physical level… it may not be a big deal as such, but just theoretically it sucks. I realllly miss my old self that had so much will power, truly.

Me, now, is weird. I can’t seem to function without people, my writing is just drying up and my hunger for reading seems to have just fuckin’ gone. Oxford-dictionary-gone. Literally. I have 7 books, at last count, that I have not read and don’t seem to be inclined to read them. And yet, I go on and on and on about how fuckin’ stuck I am. It’s ridiculous really, but each time I go to pick up something to read, I literally don’t know..I mean reading was breathing for me… it really is weird to force myelf to read something… Does my 25-year-old-self even understand that??? I don’t think the current me understands or even remembers what reading was like…ever.

It was my cushiest life buoy ever. All that jazz about travelling to different dimensions by being seated in one place, and meeting the scariest and loveliest of creatures from the safety of your blanket and the book cover..was all so truuuuuue for me. I miss that. I so miss that simplicity of a bond I had with my stories and my books and reading.

I hate the internet and yet, like a spineless leech I go back to it, sucking my life out bit by bit. I don’t want to go through this rut. Quarter life crisis is NOT MY LIFE.

Fuck it’s so colddd

So cold that I’m thinking, I should call it the I-wanna-snuggle-and-keep-warm-hence-I-need-a-guy-weather!!

Ok I can snuggle next to my girls as well But they aren’t here…so I might as well wish for the moon since the stars are all in hiding.

In fact this post is an excuse to move my fingers so they don’t freeze and fall offffffffffffffff!!!!!!

 

 

Silly but very helpful hints that show I’m maturing.

… I got my grey hoodie (Topshop no less), after getting Nick-spired in the 1st episode of New Girl. I mean, that was just so cooool, hiding in within a hoodie and blockin’ out the world…who knew it wasn’t just weather-protective measure?!

Anyway, into my 11th episode, and I find myself ‘ew’-ing at Nick..and that has never ever ever ever ever..EVER happpened with a TV character that I’m emotionally invested in. I’m quite careful you know, cuz as the term says, it is an investment and not something that I can put in and take out with equal measure..once it’s in it’s gone and the resultant is gonna come to you in a whole new form…and my point is…

I was ‘ew’ing at him cuz who shares towels and undergarments..well towels sure, when you have washed it!
.. probably underwear too, I imagine, under exceedingly dire circumstances!!
Look, a muffin can be shared, right? But a muffin that’s gone in the mouth, slightly moist from the tentative chewing and you find someone askin’ you right after; “hey, a piece of that there in your mouth pal?”????? – Fetish-cases are of course not included in this questionnaire.

So this points to a definite milestone in my growing up because I find that I’m no longer blind to people or TV characters that I have totally um.. empathised with or think are totally totally hot and therefore impervious to mortal-standards, which upon self-reflection is quite damaging I think
Not the growin’ up bit of course.

Is it disturbing to anyone that, 2 years ago, I’d probably have issued a lil “awww” before coming to my eventual “ew”-ing? Well.