Release

I know I shouldn’t be affected by people time and again curbing my freedom. Evidently I must have been holding the keys to someone’s freedom in my previous life and had serious sadistic fun in not giving it to the person in question.

Or maybe even animal in question.

Because I find myself at the receiving again and again of people who take such joy in scaring me and vocalising their disapproval in me going out, regardless of my adulthood status.

I AM 25. Oh my god, I can feel it, physically, the psychological effect on me.; my brain just registering all of it and preparing to lash out but restrained because there is nothing and no one to lash out at. I can’t have a child of my own.

If it is a boy, I might end up emasculating him. And if it is a girl, I might just well be an absent mother, by the inevitable extend of freedom to make up the for lack of mine, I would be giving her and effectively ruining her in the process.

I know words have power. I get it. I just, I can’t help thinking these thoughts even as I study what I study. I’m so mad. I can’t talk to people who won’t stand for reason and have such a severe tunnel vision, even if most of the time they are correct. How is it that I end up in the same position over and over again?

This need for social company and conversation is my undoing. This horrible, clingy, neediness for a family-stand-in is fucked up, considering that I don’t really believe in the concept as such. This childish homesickness is just juvenile and to get over it, I need to cut off. Cut off. All this talking and expressing and missing of people is just like anvil to the leg, while underwater.

I am not pissed with anyone outside of me now, I see that. It is me that needs to be fixed, from this approval-seeking, happiness-spreading, dutiful-stand-in, sorry-ass figure I cut for myself. How do I do that without fuckin’ up? How do I do that? God I miss my old self that was not afraid of a lil more irrational behaviour.

MY problem is I need people to understand me. And I must come to terms with the fact that, it’s not that they don’t need to, but I don’t need to need them to have to understand me, if I find that they don’t. I must be able to bypass and discard opinions cast about me, without my explanations, and not seek to reverse it. That is how this entire problem came about I think. It was all going so well.

It was all going so well.

 

 

Conversation Paradise

I just had one of the most memorable conversations. Ever.

In spite of my rational-syncracy, I could never explain why V and I are still tight, even after incidents that happened to make me think, “well, this is it, good knowing ya” or made me think that it is what V would be thinking.. but the axe never swung. In fact there wasn’t even an axe in sight.

She makes me think about feelings and I love that. Not many people realise this about me, but I really do think I know it all, when it comes to affairs of the heart. I believed that there were certain lines which if crossed, spell the end of two people, a bond between them. Up until this very moment.

There are things that are crucial to a core of a person right? For me, it is my option to be able to choose. You take that away from me and I go crazy-batshit-nuts.  For V, I figured it would be her need to follow the dictates of her heart..literally. And for Y, I would say, just don’t be pushing her maternal side 24/7. And I thought that if any of those things were hampered with, well..there’s the door or the wall or the window..pick your choice of exit and move along. Of course, as fairy-tales romance dictates… you try and try and try to accomodate but the line’s the line eventually.

But a number of conversations, with Mum, an interview excerpt and an inner monologue got me so confused. It was not a pretty sight in my head! This morning though..

So V randomly said that she was missing me.. *cue awwww * and call me a killjoy, but I assumed something happened…and said as much. ..and an affronted “Can’t miss you without a reason?!” got me quiet…

for two seconds.

And then I suffered a case of verbal diarrhoea and it is only a best friend who can truly withstand the blur of letteres rapidly appearing, just after 10 minutes into waking up. And to understand and reply in a commited manner, it is only possible by MY best friend. And suddenly, I saw her fight in a new light, a bright light and I can understand why she is doing what she is doing. It would be awfully hypocritical of me to want her to be happy and yet assume that whatever she is pursuing is not going to make her happy, only because, to put it mildly, I don’t agree with some aspects of it. Even worse would be to tell her that I will not be there when she does take steps to secure that future which I thought (note the past-tense) was not a future at all.

What my muddled thoughts are trying to say is: A light bulb switched on and the mess fled. V made me realise that having her in my life is one of those things, like the Big Bang, without it or her… life just would not be.

Reasoning, logic, pros&cons; Nothing matters, so long as two of anybody know that they love their lives, because of each other in it, and they would not have it any other way. Fights…limitations…contradictions…accomodations…What are they all in the quilt of love? Patchwork details really. Without them, one is left to enjoy the gaps in the quilt. Alone.

Protected: Change.

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On my way – 1

Hopefully doin’em will put me on my way.

1. Read Call me by your name – Andre Aciman
2. Cover/mini-satchel for my MP3 Zen
3. Come up with a name for my Zen
4. Finalize meeting with Aunt
5. I’m losing my concentration……………………………………………………………………………………
6. Get up at 6am and jog
7. Make a habit of jogging.
8. Call e girls up
9. Cut hair
10. Do up article and send for critquing (is that even a word or e right word or a misspelt word…hmmmm)
11. Renew love for photography – go to Changi Boardwalk on wed. WITH CAMERA.
12. Update song-list on my Zen. (Go to Agnes for e list under fave )
13. Get ALL songs from ‘Here Be Dragons’ – they ROCK!! Esp Milgi Milgi
14. Try to get over my crush on Matthew Rhys
15. Get a guy
16. Get out.

Changes

It can come anytime. We can change anytime we want to. It doesn’t have to be the aftermath of some sorta big upheaval-of-an-incident..it most prob would be, but it doesn’t have to be see?

And the date for change, doesn’t need to have a prior significance. For instance:-

1. Your b’day
2. Your mum/dad/sister/brother/step-sis+bro/dog/cat/lizard’s b’day
3. Anniversary dates; wedding, death, business-opening…anything else applicable
4. Date you broke up with ‘e one – well not anymore it isn’t!’
5. When a lightening struck some sense into you;the things that take to get thru to the best of us at times…

And so it goes on…it usually would happen on a personally-significant date, but it doesn’t have to. It doesn’t have to be Mr. My-life-is-great-and-I-wish-tht-for-you-too-only-not-as-much-success telling you how to go about makin changes, or

1. mother, father..not so much the siblings-troupe…but one never knows when an ambush’s bout to happen…but if you did, then it wouldn’t be quite the ambush as Oxford described right?…
2. Friends
3. Teachers
4. Strangers (don’t under-estimate the power of their influence…you allow Dolce to dress you but you don’t know his home number now do you!?..or is Dolce a ‘she’…ok whatever..that ain’t even the point.
5. Animals (I’m on the fence with them though..it’s amazing how much love you can feel towards another being who doesn’t ask you for cash, tells you to laugh less noisily, bends over backwards just so they can to show off their love for you or any of those human-ish acts but only, ONLY minds its own business. Unless otherwise asked. Brilliant.)

It most definitely would be the reason for one to change, but not all the time.

I change today, a relatively-peaceful-today. A day with none of that IT’S-IN-YOUR-FACE-THAT-TODAY-IS-THE-DAY-OF-whatever gravity. I change because no one asked me to, today.

“The man who has begun to live
more seriously within begins to
live more simply without.” – Ernest Hemingway