Can’t read your msg.

Ok so this has been a weird week, as far as my thoughts are concerned. I know all the conversations I have been having, albeit one-sided, with my uncle all have the same theme of thinking and making ones choices from looking at the bigger picture.

But I don’t know why I feel it’s not supposed to be as vague as that and that it has some sort of a inner meaning. I just fuckin’ wish I knew what it was.

Life, you need to be clearer with me, for real. Though I must admit, I technically have nothing to be annoyed or upset about, but I can’t help it. I feel so sidelined and there’s nothing to be done for that, except to grow up!!!

Ok, I love my life right now..I really fuckin’ do. It’s so hard to not think about what is not there though. It’s so hard and I am trying to just laugh it off, but it is so frustrating to not be in love. Thinkin’ back on that statement I just typed in, I wonder if that’s a result of all the media input that’s come my way.. I mean even now, I’m seeing that god-awful-awesome-song from Karthik callin’ Karthik, and listen no one sees someone else dancin’ in slow motiong in real life…NO ONE… But yet, we feel that happens when we see someone completely stunning or who takes our breath away. I mean does that make any sense at all??

I need to get over my hangup with beauty. It’s crippling. I mean, it’s not a joke really, to be so fuckin’ affected by someone’s appearance.. I mean luckily I’m not literally shallow..or else I’m done for. But even then, I find myself reacting, internally obviously, to things and people on a physical level… it may not be a big deal as such, but just theoretically it sucks. I realllly miss my old self that had so much will power, truly.

Me, now, is weird. I can’t seem to function without people, my writing is just drying up and my hunger for reading seems to have just fuckin’ gone. Oxford-dictionary-gone. Literally. I have 7 books, at last count, that I have not read and don’t seem to be inclined to read them. And yet, I go on and on and on about how fuckin’ stuck I am. It’s ridiculous really, but each time I go to pick up something to read, I literally don’t know..I mean reading was breathing for me… it really is weird to force myelf to read something… Does my 25-year-old-self even understand that??? I don’t think the current me understands or even remembers what reading was like…ever.

It was my cushiest life buoy ever. All that jazz about travelling to different dimensions by being seated in one place, and meeting the scariest and loveliest of creatures from the safety of your blanket and the book cover..was all so truuuuuue for me. I miss that. I so miss that simplicity of a bond I had with my stories and my books and reading.

I hate the internet and yet, like a spineless leech I go back to it, sucking my life out bit by bit. I don’t want to go through this rut. Quarter life crisis is NOT MY LIFE.

Downloading spree…ramblin spree…

1:47 am…. and I should be in bed.

What a shame I found out that there was no class morrow..and is in fact only on Wednesday! …

So….I’ve just downloaded like…8 songs…out of which…3 are the same..hehehehehe… Stevie Wonder’s – Higher Ground and the cover versions by Red Hot Chilli Pepper and Daughtry….are the 3. The others are Lately, Isn’t she lovely, I just called to say I love you; all by Stevie Wonder and Rod Stewart’s Have I told you lately that I love you…

I knoooooooow…am such a sap!…well think it’s just a temporary insanity… It’s kinda fun actually listenin to the oldies…or these evergreen classics…gosh…I mean…to even think of Beyonce (check out the diff in the names too!) or Avril Lavigne… or even James Blunt to stir up these form of songs…but then again…it’d hardly be appreciated now… prob b’cuz it’d be a tad bit cheesy…in these times.

Somehow the idea that romance is an old-fashioned notion, makes it a theme that only the oldies can magically bring alive. It is impossible..laughable in fact for Gwen Stefani or Chris Brown…who both have pretty good vocals…(when it actually comes down to it!) to sing of the kind of love Walt Disney and Shakespeare have immortalised in their works! Ok…seeeriously…the videos of today…what a JOKE…there’s no way I can even being to imagine anyone of ‘em depicting any of the songs above….it’d be WEIRD…like seeeeriously…. hehehehe…a thot of Snoop Dogg remixin to any one of the above tracks just occured to me…OMG…I sure hope I ain’t gonna be seein a day as that…hehehe…

Ahhhh well…just deleted all of “Higher Ground”…didn’t appeal to me…nice song… pretty inspirational…but naaah… not ma kinda cuppa coffee…think I’ve had enuff of downloads for tonight. Neways…it’s time I started seriously focusin on ma damn project…good lord… It’s startin to breathe down my neck…and I really wanna get an A in this..as all the others….but more so advertising…for a variety of reasons….hehe…but what I really really wanna do know is just talk bout him…crazy ain’t it?!…I DON CARE! …well I think I do…cuz that’s the whole damn problem with me…even if I ain’t serious bout someone… I just make it so…ARGH…but he’s just so damn perfect…I start to think…why not?! OK but really…. sometimes…it’s easy to predict him…and Lord…I ain’t gonna deny that it feels good when I’m right…hehehehehe… for instance…this mornin…didn’t go to class…and he msged me….seeeriously…how’s a girl not gonna feel good!? Mabbe that’s e whole problem… I’m thinkin this thru like a girl…and not as a woman. Cuz…if I was a woman.. I mean I am one…duh….but if I started thinkin like a woman…and not some silly kid… then it’d take ALOT MORE THAN A MSG to get me smiling like an ass in bed…even with a sore throat and a bad cold killin me! …but I can’t help it…it really takes very lil to make my day….that is WHEN I LIKE the person…and not some random idiot. Mabbe I should make an effort to be harder to please huh??…. So I can really control maself and all that crap…and then again…it’s no fun…bleargh…But I liked the way he asked…”Where are u huh?”…hehehehehehe… Like I owe him an answer…think it’s that thing where a girl likes it when a guy gets sorta authoritative and all…but fake bein angry…or indignant…when he gets so…hehehehehe…*but the slappin msg kinda irked me…well..really irked me rather*…but that apart…it’s nice to know I’m missed. Well he prob wouldn’t put it in such terms I’m sure…but who cares?!…when I msg someone cuz they are not there in the class….it’s only because I miss them. Case Close!

This could go somewhere…really. I just need to get a grip on myself and not entertain these stuuuupid self-doubts that keep on croppin up in ma mind. Again…it doesn’t help that I found a tad bit more white hair strands croppin up…and another crater on the moon of a surface…that people would call my face!… but it’s all about gettin things into perspective…how do I see him? If it’s a crush…then suuuure…makes sense to be all hot and bothered bout my appearance…MORE so than normal…and if I do not or want to NOT see him in that manner…then it reaaaally shouldn’t concern me. But it does! And yet I do know that I do not see him in any other manner…other than a friend. So…really…kinda confusin ain’t it?? *Listenin to Lonestar – Baby I’m Amazed by U* That’s a song that I had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before I knew this ass…and it’s a beauuuutiful song….”I donno how u do…what U do…I’m so in love with u…it just keeps gettin better…I wanna spend the rest of ma life with u by ma side…forever and ever…Every little thing that U do…Baby I’m amazed by you…” The voice…rough at the edges…really helps too…hehehehehe…pretty much get goosebumps for the whole damn duration of the song!

Neway…. the thing is…actually…I donno what the thing is. I’ve typed in and deleted away this part least thrice now…not sure of what I really wanna say…feel…just know that I wanna talk bout him. It’s like a Shah-ology…hehe..riiit…sigh…all of a sudden am thinkin of ma mother’s silly prejudice against ‘em…no idea why…it’s so SILLY…. hehehehe…have a thing of doin or likin just the opposite of ma mother…gonna be such fun to find out what’s gonna happen…if I do bring home or love someone of a diff religion…major drama.. to say the least….am I too young to think of it now? I think I am. After all…I’m just 20. Old enuff to fund and find ma way in this world…but not enuff..to know who I wanna love and live with. And I really don’t need that now…not like I am gonna marry and ride off into the sunset with whoever it is I’m in love with in the 2nd month of knowing him…if I do meet him in the next one month that is…hehehehehe…so yeah…why even bother…

So once again…I come back to ma priority of ma advertising project…and wow…all this rambling has taken up ma mind for an hr…and 2 mins to be precise; 2:49AM. There’s so much goin on in this world…heck…in ma own family…is it bad of me to think of him? To think of such stuff? To feel kinda happy…when he replies back with some crap…and ends with ” take care and rest well k…”? I think I know the answer…but does it have to be wrong? Mabbe it becomes wrong if I’m solely just thinkin of him and things assc with him and NOT do anything to improve anything else around me….cuz if so…I wouldn’t want him to even know me then.

I’m confused and I think I am going to go to bed and get up at 8am tomorrow.

94.5% – 95.6%

THAT’S HOW MUCH THAT’S BEEN DOWNLOADED.

…which makes the remainin 5.5% that much MORE infuriatiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Why the hell can’t it just download fast and get it over with and so I can see if it is what I really want! *ooooh… “if it is”…hehehe..all start with ‘i’s!…whatever*

I hope it’s e movie he was talkin about… for alota reasons.

1.) …. – am kinda bored of lists actually for now. Just fuckin impatient…and it’s fuckin downloading like there’s all of eternity for its bloody transfer….ARRRGH… ahhhh…nothin like a beautiful song to calm me down…. RnB’s really classic at times… as much as those two are at odds with one another!

Surprisingly it’s Ashanti’s Southside ft Lloyd Banks ….kinda never really liked her voice… but that guy’s got a smooooth like butta kinda voice… “Baby I know a place that we can go to be alone…Don’t worry baby…” and then it gets all slurred…LOL…but he sings it like a freakin lullaby…and I prob would be headin to bed…if not for the damn movie… ARGH…am kinda excited too!… if it’s the one that he told me bout…for once I can be the one givin him something to watch…only if it’s of good quality of course…not cuz he deserves thebest or any such nonsense…bleargh..but cuz it’s gonna reflect on ma sources hehehehe… *he’s ONLINE!…kinda got used to not seein him online on Sats..* so neway…it’s just 94.7% now…arrrrgh…why can’t it be 97.4 instead!? oh!…it’s 94.8 now… grrrreat… as long as I keep up this rambling…I should be able to keep ma sanity intact while waiting for the damn download to complete.

And now I’m stuck…figures. Kinda lookin down at the taskbar to see if there’s any “Bananaman” orange tab blinkin….but that’s ok…he usually talks in his own good time… ohhhh…it’s 95 now!…ok ok….tension’s gettin to me… plzzzz God let it be the movie that I am praaaaayin for it to be in good quality…plzzzz!… Just finished listenin to “Blue Eyes” by Limp Bizkit…been such a long time… I mish ma music…lol… I have like so many songs under “Influence” which are mostly I mean…ALL that he’s sent me and coupla others that I downloaded…with a certain new-found interest…which of course died out pretty soon…majorly due to e fact that ma comp can only hold that much space…and was threatnin to die out from under me…. so yep…. WOW…just counted…and there are 20 songs all in all…that’s bout the size of contents in a CD and then some more…hehehe… oh lord…just 95.1%….THAT’S IT!….THAT’S ALL…AFTER ALL THAT I’VE BEEN GOIN THRU….ish okkkkk…patience…patience…gotta practice it…. shall practice it…

Yikes…I got that Children’s Home National Day outing morrow! …and am supposed to have prepared a short talk for it… why Lord…why me?! and Lord…he still ain’t chatted me up yet…can u honestly do this to me?!…come on…aren’t u bored of me askin…” Why Lord…why me!?”…AREN’T U?!…pretty please with loadsa chocolate chips on the top???! GOD……it’s me Shantha! …..god I loved that book…”Are U there God? It’s me Margaret” and “Tiger Eyes”…Judy Blume’s heck of an author…. I miss reading books…like hers… I mean. I miss Yashu….she had cried for Tiger Eyes….and I all of a sudden I feel like cryin now. But nopez… just a split second impulse…heavens…I don get it…ok …no no… that’s like a whole new problem on a whole new dimension… and I’ve got nuff on ma mind for tonight! *oooooh wheeee….95.3%!* I love Guns N’ Roses’ – Estranged. The guitar work’s like so damn cool…I feel like am in some kinda movie…and the hero’s got the sunset behind him as he sets out…with a leather jacket swingin in his hand…and boots kickin dust in the air with each step and Ray-Ban glasses having just the right kinda glint! I knooooow….imagination over-load…but reaaaally…. it’s got such a biker/leather jacket feel to it….might as well just post the lyrics here right!?…or not… having blabbered this much seems long as it is. Oh my…just checked…this IS the song that’s 9-odd mins long! Bloody hell…I hope there’s some major increase in the download at the end of it…. so I ain’t gonna check on it now…not gin to…not goin to…not goin to….Lord…all I need is just 5 MORE PERCENT!!!…..hmmmm…wasn’t there some Michael Jackson song that went like “Give in to me…give in to me…”…?! Whatever…pervert… there’s just something screwed up with that land… it’s like all of those who are geniuses in their own right…just have such screwed up histories…and nope…not talkin bout the usual broken family…abusive parents and all…but personally have made it their mission statement to live in manners just sooooooooo fucked up! But then again..I can’t judge…right?….hmmmmm… fuck it… like that has ever stopped me before! …the song’s comin to a close…right bout now! seeeeeeeeeriously…95.6%….mabbe I should go to bed…and get up in say 4 hrs time?! boo-hoo-hoo…waaaaaaaaah….WAAAAAAAAAAAH…. ooooooooof… ok when I start with e noises…it’s time to get off….but shtiiiiiill…. still no “Bananaman” blinkin…hehehe… bein a libran’s a bitch at times….such suckers we are…

Do I? Should I? Can I?

…turn vegetarian that is.

It’s shockin really, cuz even in ma most desperate times when I make those “oh God please let this happen and I shall…” I may say anything..but NOT bout givin up mutton biriyani…murtabak…chicken rice!!…I mean…these were ma staples man! and Fillet-O-Fish…GOSH..it was like ma kinda sin NOT to eat ‘em! …so to contemplate bein a vegetarian…is just…well not earth-shattering…cuz each one experiences ‘moments’ like these where a metamorphosis takes place…but still….it’s just so un-imaginable! ok ok..backtrackin a lil I wanna review how I got to this point so that I can make my decision.

It was on and off, hit me around the wee-mornin hrs as I was listening to …hmmmm…no idea…but something nice…and just lookin at ma - this oh so adorable lil fella of a baby gorilla – desktop…got to thinkin….and well cute as the pic was..it wasn’t right…cuz the baby was in the hands of a human..not his/her own mother. And why is that so? Cuz of these parasites called…Poachers. I forgot the details…but think the group this kid’s grown up in…fell victim to poachers and well….happened to be the only one rescued…hence hanging onto the person…like that’s the last resort…and it is.

Neway…what does this have to do with turnin veg?… welllllllll…..if I were to eat a chicken…it’s prob gonna be the mother OR father of some other lil chick….and of course the same applies for other meat-stuff…and vice-versa in the relation. Stupid theory??…I don’t know…maybe it was just the early-morn timin…or the really emo song I was listening to..or the obvious lack of sleep….but whatever the case…there I was sitting with tears streaming down my face as all the name-less chickens and muttons and fish and other seafood stuff *GOSH* just bypassed me…lookin at the desktop…feelin responsible…like I had something to do with the baby gorilla being orphaned… SIGH….

Well…evidently that feelin washed off me the next morn *nth a good night’s sleep can’t cure!..cept mabbe a broken heart…or a ‘d’ grade in an exam…lol*

…then…this HITS me *whilst doin research for ma history paper…talk bout deviation!*

ALICEWALKER

Mothers’ Day

May 9, 2004

Dear Mr. Novak:(the CEO of KFC’s parent company, Yum! Brands.)

Suppose in a future life you come back as a chicken. You are small and fuzzy and scared.

You are soft. Beautiful. Yellow, with bright orange legs. Tiny feet. Innocent, deeply

curious eyes.

You are in a place that does not live up to you. It is dark and hot; there is no fresh air. It

stinks. As soon as you are born, part of your mouth, your tender beak, is burned off.

This indescribable pain is your introduction to life.

It will be a short life.

Each day “managed” by hands and machines you can barely glimpse and comprehend not

at all. You are in a cage with so many others! You feel your body, stuffed with food and

hormones, pressing against the bodies around you. It reminds you perhaps of the lifetime

ago when you were a human slave in a ship enduring the Middle Passage.

You feel heavy and hot, suffocating, because you are constantly drugged; your body forced

to grow so large and fast your bones cannot support it: they begin to break.

After an infinity of unbearable pain you are lifted out of the cage into which you

were born, and from which your mother was taken immediately after your birth, and

dumped, with thousands of others, into a vat of boiling water. Most of the others are dead,

but for some reason, you are not. You drown, choking, in the smelly, scalding water.

You have not had one moment in which to touch earth, to see the sky, to enjoy a worm;

you have had no chance to experience a mother’s love, to receive the rich comfort of

hearing a father’s cocky crow, or to feel the kind hand on your feathers of a caring human

being.

Your body, broken though it is, and smeared with the excrement that left it because you

were so afraid as you died, is plucked of its sickly covering of feathers, cut up, and sent to

the place where it will be covered with white flour and herbs, fried in hot fat, and presented

to human families who have no way of knowing they are eating – bringing into their own

bodies (and spirits) – the deep suffering, fear and misery of your largely unlived life.

I do not wish this for you. I do not wish it for myself. I do not wish it for the

thousands that eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC).

We do not know what Life has in mind for us, or how many lifetimes we are going to

have. Understanding this, it is wise, I believe, to avoid acts of cruelty and violence and to

put our trust and effort into consideration of all “others” with whom we share the planet; as

we extend, uphold and honor all acts of universal kindness.

With an embrace

for you

& deep hopes for health

and happiness

to your

family.

In peace,

Alice Walker

it was just this Tuesday…was that my mother had just ordered a “Tuesday Special!” from KFC…and I was the one who had 3 of ‘em crispy chickens (out of 8). Well in ma defense…I forgot bout e poem… But how could ne1 have forgotten anything like that? I donno… I really don’t.

There are MANY reasons why non-veg’s bad…and it isn’t just bout the cruelty to animals issue. There’s the health reasons too. And honestly..I used to justify that if a chicken ends up on ma platter…well that is it’s Karma. Right?!…well all the justification in e world can’t erase e fact that something’s terribly wrong.

But I have yt to taste a fillet mignon….or veal…and to give up yummy-licious BBG-marinated chicken topped pizzas…and cheesy chicken lasagnas….and spicy-licious mutton keema…and mouth-waterin and nose-dripping mutton curry…tangy fish sambal…lip-smackin sambal sting-ray on a leaf platter …ooooooh my! Siiiiiiiiiigh…I really don’t know. Is it hypocritical to be fond of animals and detest these poachers who hunt Gorillas for bushmeat when I’m eatin meat maself…the fact that chicken, fish, mutton are all in HUGE numbers aside…?? I donno. There’s so much goin thru ma head, I wish I had the will-power…mabbe that’d resolve everything. But taste buds can be quite the slave-master.

Humans? What is that?

No more can “who are we” apply to us…the humans…homo sapiens and yeah…I can think of alot who’d beg to differ..or just go right ahead and differ…whatever.

The more technology’s evolved, the more it screws around with our minds. Considering it’s the child of mankind, it no wonder the parents themselves, we human, screw up helluva lot more as we ‘evolve’. Honestly….how was the caveman who used to wear a bearskin any diff from a Veronica Secret’s model? Ok..I’m not a prude..and that’s hardly…heck it ain’t even a concern of mine…. Just that lately I’ve not been able to stomach seeing scenes documented or depicted with scenes only e Devil can direct.

Documentary on WWII, where the gas chambers of the Jews just played a major part almost reduced me to a puddle…and I’d have been one…if I had forgotten that I was in a class…with people I ain’t comfy with. Only alternative was to avert ma head and pretend to be checkin up something in ma history textbook for the duration of the video…which was just what I did. I was never like this…used to be proud that I could look at such realism with a strong front…and that whatever was shown in the movies such as Gladiator was all re-enacted as such for compelling visual arrest.

And then I grew up. Figured out the diff b/n candy floss movies and the ones that wanna make a statement. Realized that depictions of a scene stem from somewhere…and that somewhere might just be reality. Understood that what happens in the movies can also be mild when compared to the actual deal….and so I lost ma bravado.

After seeing Passion of Christ, well almost all of it…I’ve never been able to comprehend how anyone human could depict such grisly scenes with such details and live with it. I ain’t sayin Mel Gibson’s a psycho…on the contrary…rather. The fact that we are capable of such visions and able to translate it into actions that make up a movie, it’s just horrifying. And this guy’s just a movie-maker. Continents do stuff like these for a living… for survival….no..not the crucification…but everything else before, after and in between. Rape…murder…slow torture…instant torture…mental…physical…u name it…it’s done. HOW?

I mean…how is it that we can say we are evolved? Just cuz we can cure dieseases…to what end?…Further extending our lives and saving other people?? Sure…and I’m gonna be the next healing saint…get in line everybody! What else stands testimonial to our evolution??? ….putting a man on the moon?…it’s full of sand…rocks…dust…go to the desert if U dig that kinda atmosphere…invented the telephone?…that’s good..and go on right ahead to invent tapping wires to listen in on conversations…Forensic developments in catching criminals?…hallelujiah! ….ever found out what made criminals?…Found a system that stops ‘em from being on the loose…how bout a way to create an enviroment that makes a person not wanna rob..hurt…rape…kill….bully…? How bout that huh??

….I shouldn’t be ranting really…I ain’t no angel…all I do is just become a leaky faucet when I see or hear of such stuff…But ‘fore I leave…as in leave…I know I’m gonna make a difference. I know I will. I wish I didn’t sound lame.

Heh.

“Is the sky blue?”

It was supposed to be sarcasm. It was, till it fell flat on its face when he asked me “All I asked u was have u heard of Tupac..why did U have to bring the sky into this?”…Irritation flooded at the obtuse question and then a sudden uprising of giggles!   In a way…I must have asked for that!

Why oh why do I feel this need to conter every question with a smart-ass remark!?     But honestly..unless I came from under the rock, or ne1 else for that matter…even a prude having never listened to black music would have heard Tupac’s name in passing! And I guess I couldn’t pass up that question with another very obtuse question of mine… and though the purpose of it; making him see the folly of his qn, didn’t go fulfilled… It just made me re-think about the way I converse with people at times.

It’s not like he was dumb, or dense. Just a tad simple when it came to words..lol…but when was that ever a crime?… Or a sign of lacking in something? So used to wit, innuendos, sarcasm and double-edged charm, I’ve forgotten to converse without a spike-laced tongue. And here I pose to myself another dilemma…it’s a curse…thinkin things thru THIS much..really! Neways..the thing is, do I change the way I speak from person to person? Or initially at least to make them feel more comfortable..or at least to make myself understood?? Sarcasm’s fun when it’s 2-way, otherwise it becomes condescending. And I ain’t that for sure. But if I ain’t understood in the way I am most comfortable in, are those people worth the effort? Isn’t being nice to ‘em just a hypocritical front..since I know soon enough that I’m gonna revert to being a smart-ass (if I may say so myself!)?? Or would I be losing nothing just cuz I cut down on a lil dry humor but instead reply directly to questions, no matter how obvious the answer?!

It’s just that, I don wanna be sneerin at really wonderfully nice people just cuz they don get a lil sarcasm, and well that’s what my automatic reaction when it happens! So considering they don deserve such base treatment…not that they’d be knowing it..but still a mental sneering’s still sneering…do I continue talkin to ‘em to be ‘nice’ or stop; not cuz I think they are dumb (that’s the thing!!…they aren’t!..Just really really sweet and I mean SWEET) , but to stop myself from passing judgements on ‘em?

I gotta resolve this on the double, cuz this ain’t the 1st time it’s happening and well though not often enought to actually make me wanna go for confession and get a priest’s take on this…it’s still something that’s bothering me nuff to get it out. And if I do resolve it…

…3 CHEERS TO ME!…what else??!