Release

I know I shouldn’t be affected by people time and again curbing my freedom. Evidently I must have been holding the keys to someone’s freedom in my previous life and had serious sadistic fun in not giving it to the person in question.

Or maybe even animal in question.

Because I find myself at the receiving again and again of people who take such joy in scaring me and vocalising their disapproval in me going out, regardless of my adulthood status.

I AM 25. Oh my god, I can feel it, physically, the psychological effect on me.; my brain just registering all of it and preparing to lash out but restrained because there is nothing and no one to lash out at. I can’t have a child of my own.

If it is a boy, I might end up emasculating him. And if it is a girl, I might just well be an absent mother, by the inevitable extend of freedom to make up the for lack of mine, I would be giving her and effectively ruining her in the process.

I know words have power. I get it. I just, I can’t help thinking these thoughts even as I study what I study. I’m so mad. I can’t talk to people who won’t stand for reason and have such a severe tunnel vision, even if most of the time they are correct. How is it that I end up in the same position over and over again?

This need for social company and conversation is my undoing. This horrible, clingy, neediness for a family-stand-in is fucked up, considering that I don’t really believe in the concept as such. This childish homesickness is just juvenile and to get over it, I need to cut off. Cut off. All this talking and expressing and missing of people is just like anvil to the leg, while underwater.

I am not pissed with anyone outside of me now, I see that. It is me that needs to be fixed, from this approval-seeking, happiness-spreading, dutiful-stand-in, sorry-ass figure I cut for myself. How do I do that without fuckin’ up? How do I do that? God I miss my old self that was not afraid of a lil more irrational behaviour.

MY problem is I need people to understand me. And I must come to terms with the fact that, it’s not that they don’t need to, but I don’t need to need them to have to understand me, if I find that they don’t. I must be able to bypass and discard opinions cast about me, without my explanations, and not seek to reverse it. That is how this entire problem came about I think. It was all going so well.

It was all going so well.

 

 

Shure of Sit.

My spirit has left me.
I’m sure of it.
My body is intact.
My mind is unkempt.
My spirit has left me.
Of it I’m assured.
Reality seems a mirage.
This mirage is my oasis.
To find relief in a shimmer
that disappears when the gaze
lingers?
Were my spirit housed in me
would it let this be?

Conversation Paradise

I just had one of the most memorable conversations. Ever.

In spite of my rational-syncracy, I could never explain why V and I are still tight, even after incidents that happened to make me think, “well, this is it, good knowing ya” or made me think that it is what V would be thinking.. but the axe never swung. In fact there wasn’t even an axe in sight.

She makes me think about feelings and I love that. Not many people realise this about me, but I really do think I know it all, when it comes to affairs of the heart. I believed that there were certain lines which if crossed, spell the end of two people, a bond between them. Up until this very moment.

There are things that are crucial to a core of a person right? For me, it is my option to be able to choose. You take that away from me and I go crazy-batshit-nuts.  For V, I figured it would be her need to follow the dictates of her heart..literally. And for Y, I would say, just don’t be pushing her maternal side 24/7. And I thought that if any of those things were hampered with, well..there’s the door or the wall or the window..pick your choice of exit and move along. Of course, as fairy-tales romance dictates… you try and try and try to accomodate but the line’s the line eventually.

But a number of conversations, with Mum, an interview excerpt and an inner monologue got me so confused. It was not a pretty sight in my head! This morning though..

So V randomly said that she was missing me.. *cue awwww * and call me a killjoy, but I assumed something happened…and said as much. ..and an affronted “Can’t miss you without a reason?!” got me quiet…

for two seconds.

And then I suffered a case of verbal diarrhoea and it is only a best friend who can truly withstand the blur of letteres rapidly appearing, just after 10 minutes into waking up. And to understand and reply in a commited manner, it is only possible by MY best friend. And suddenly, I saw her fight in a new light, a bright light and I can understand why she is doing what she is doing. It would be awfully hypocritical of me to want her to be happy and yet assume that whatever she is pursuing is not going to make her happy, only because, to put it mildly, I don’t agree with some aspects of it. Even worse would be to tell her that I will not be there when she does take steps to secure that future which I thought (note the past-tense) was not a future at all.

What my muddled thoughts are trying to say is: A light bulb switched on and the mess fled. V made me realise that having her in my life is one of those things, like the Big Bang, without it or her… life just would not be.

Reasoning, logic, pros&cons; Nothing matters, so long as two of anybody know that they love their lives, because of each other in it, and they would not have it any other way. Fights…limitations…contradictions…accomodations…What are they all in the quilt of love? Patchwork details really. Without them, one is left to enjoy the gaps in the quilt. Alone.

THIS.

[Bloody hell!! I just sent out my 101st post on absolutely, ok stop.It definitely was something. It ain't gonna help Obama gain popularity to run a 2nd-term or make Matt Bomer straight and come running to me, but removing all that blog-baggage deserves its own post and a hallmark one at that!]

She misses you. I know it, cuz she tells me so.

Of course you would ask, why tell me and not come to you directly? That I do not know as well. It is the type of missing that is much easier than actually rectifying it by way of reaching out. To come back to you requires time, and emotional involvement that is mentally exhausting and she would much rather stay away and miss you terribly. Coward, yes that she is and knows too. It just gets worse and worse doesn’t it?

No, she will come back. She wants to. Make you the first recipient of every atom that makes up her thought process. It’s an all-or-nothing relationship that she seeks for but yet finds that she does not or did not have the stamina to sustain such commitment. And now things are going to change. I told her that if she doesn’t do what she wants, there is no use in expecting it  from you or anyone else, in the first place.

It is only  Sense&Sensibility 101 ain’t it – Treat others the way you want to be treated.

All of this passive anger and helplessness is really offensive, not just pathetic. It is offensive to me. To know and be the bearer of all of these weak quarter-life-crisis-meandering and know that it is ALL avoidable and not even an experience worth having cuz there IS NO EXPERIENCE GOING ON…and think about how others would be using all of this time/money/opportunities that she had squandered. Luckily…

Luckily she is awesome and interesting and comical and entirely worth the wait. As far as you are I are concerned that is

Now if only I can get her to concentrate on one thing at a time. Any suggestions Press? But yeah sure, we are on bout her being back on this.

Love,

Herme.

18th Oct ’10

I turned 24.

And I wasn’t expecting much. Not true. I was expecting it to be fucked-up and a day that I wouldn’t record on paper only because I was prepared for it to be that B.L.A.H.

And it’s true what they say ’bout expectations. It never does come true thanks to cheeky Mr. Murphy Well I upped him one this time ’round!

Shantha:1

Murphy: =(

Hahahaha…it was a lovely birthday despite the lack of your call. Ice-cream and coffee. A funky bag from a best friend. Calls that flooded my every hour. A series of conversations with a best friend from across the ocean. A translation of short-stories a.k.a a story book from a dearest friend. Remembered by people I deeply care and will love for all my life, I am glad I’m 24.

I was asked about my accomplishments. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a clue. I don’t seem to be losing weight. I don’t care.

I am on wonderful terms with my sister and we’ve gone on for a while with no fights* TOUCH WOOD* My best friends know what makes my day and there are people who think I’m worth the call from across the seas. And a call-back if it gets cut off!!! hahaha…These are my accomplishments. It won’t feed me, but I’m truly happy living this day.

But yes, a job would be good. HA! An overseas job would be perfect. Well almost-perfect.

The best part of the day was Dad. He came during the melding of the minutes between my sister’s and my b’day. Now that’s perfect.

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Happy B’day Chopes. I’m so happy and high, well it doesn’t show, but I am! hahaha… I love you and miss you and wish I was there with you, but there’s Him now, so though it ain’t as good as me, it’s the next best thing

I wish for all of your heart’s desires to be granted and a smile to end each day of yours sweety.

* HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS *

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In da club.

21.

I never thought I would be one of those whose father would never live to see my graduation, my husband, my children, my success and the home I would build for him and mother to live in.

I never thought my sister would be 16 and go through life’s crucial educational period without the comfort a father’s physical presence can give.

I never thought my mother would be a widow at an age where she needed him the most.

I guess this is the 7th heaven club.

I never thought I would emulate Yashu this well, she’s really taught me more than she thought possible.

I never thought of so many things.

I never thought I can grow to be this heartless to my mother and father.

I never want to think again, but that is not upto me.